Hello Fabulous Leader! I am switching it up a bit today. I hope you enjoy this podcast transcription on emotional intelligence with Dr. Renee Thompson.

Dr. Renee Thompson is a psychotherapist and educator. She received her Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and a post-graduate degree as an Education Specialist, both from Rider University. She earned her doctorate degree in Educational Psychology in 2007. She exhibits a lifelong dedication to education by helping others and serving as a mentor. Dr. Thompson utilizes her wisdom and life experiences not only to connect harmoniously with diverse audiences but to empower others to reach their full potential. Dr. Thompson delivers a compelling and positive message with the expectation of impacting others to make life changes.

DeNeen (00:05):

Hello everyone. And thanks for joining me today. I am your Leading with Strength and Grace podcast host and leadership strategist, DeNeen Attard, helping ambitious women like you to lead unapologetically with strength and grace. Today’s Leading with Strength and Grace podcast guest is Dr. Renee Thompson and we are going to discuss emotional intelligence and share why it is important for leadership success. Next, we will share tips for enhancing our emotional intelligence, followed by the five essential tools for emotionally intelligent leaders described by American psychologist Daniel Goldman. My guest, Dr. Thompson, will also provide examples of how we can use the tools provided by Dr. Daniel Goldman, and of course, she’s going to leave you with some takeaways.

 Dr. Renee Thompson is a psychotherapist and educator. She received her master’s degree in counseling psychology and a post-graduate degree as an education specialist from Ryder University. She earned her doctorate in educational psychology from Capella University, and she is the author of Blue Diamond Veil and Networking for Black Professionals. Please welcome Dr. Renee Thompson to today’s show.

Dr. Renee Thompson (01:40):

Well, thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here, and I’m so excited. I’m glad to be one of your guests today and look forward to discussing emotional intelligence.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (01:50):

Emotional intelligence is a, it’s a word that we hear so often, and of course, most times, it’s referred to as EI. And what I wanted to do was to bring a rich context around what it means to operate in emotional intelligence and what I’m going to do with just let you kick us off and define what is emotional intelligence and why is it essential for leadership success?

Dr. Renee Thompson (02:16):

Okay. We should mention that EI is an emerging characteristic that most jobs are looking for in their candidates today. Of course, everyone looks for leadership skills, but EI stands out a little more than the other characteristics. So a simple textbook definition for emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to understand, manage and express emotions. It’s the compacity to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. And I say that, meaning textbook definition, because that’s what Goldman has said it is. In short, your emotions will manage you if you don’t manage your emotions.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (03:03):

In this day and age that we are in, people must manage their emotions because there’s pressure coming from all sides of life, whether professional or personal career-wise. Being able to manage those emotions effectively is critical. Can you go ahead and is there anything else that you’d like to elaborate on about how emotional intelligence and leadership go hand in hand,

Dr. Renee Thompson (03:54):

According to the Harvard business review, emotional intelligence is a crucial leadership skill. We know about the good practical skills that leaders must have to be successful. They have to have a vision. They have to strategize a plan and be able to accomplish goals. That’s a given. Those are all the astringent skills that we are accustomed to seeing, but not everyone focuses on emotional intelligence, which is more intrinsic. You have to be in tune with your emotions and understand others’ emotions. So this skill, which it is, and you can master it and enhance it, is becoming more popular. You have to think about the saying by Maya Angelo. People will forget what you said. People will forget what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Dr. Renee Thompson (04:48):

And that’s the key to emotional intelligence. It focuses on how you feel, what you do with it, and your attitude? Is it positive versus negative? And many times, we don’t focus on that in leadership roles. We are so determined to get the job done. We accomplish goals. But what about the emotional piece? Sometimes it’s a good idea to use introspection, to take a look and see where am I emotionally? Where do I stand? What is my emotional intelligence IQ? And basically, we don’t put enough focus on that area.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (05:25):

When you talk about assessing where you are on your EI level, what are some of the questions that you would ask yourself?

Dr. Renee Thompson (05:43):

There are assessments that you can take, and many are available by conducting a  Google search for emotional intelligence, and a variety of options will pop up. And what they’re looking at is how you react to people. For example, I can recognize my emotions as I experience them. To know and do this, you have to be in tune with yourself. Now, as a psychologist, I practice what I preach. So when that stress level is high on a job, naturally, I feel it. Anyone that is in tune with themselves will feel the stress level rising. And when I feel stress rising, I go inside my head, and I calm myself by engaging in a mental dialogue: Okay, you’re upset. Calm down. You need to relax.

Dr. Renee Thompson (06:31):

Why I’m looking at someone who’s probably upsetting me, they’ll never know what’s going on inside because I’m in total control of my emotions. Often people say, Oh, I can’t help it or that person just got the best of me. That’s because you haven’t trained yourself to be in a position to know when your emotions are triggered or when your fuse is getting short. However, when you know exactly what’s going on with you and take time to get in tune with yourself, the outcome is different. So all that is to say take an emotional assessment. It is 15 questions. It was straightforward, and Mindtools.com gives it.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (07:40):

When you talked about internal dialogue, it got me thinking about Dr. Carol Dweck, and she talks about mindset.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (07:51):

We always have an internal dialogue that’s going on in our heads. You have learned how to use your inner dialogue to your advantage. Instead of using it negatively to talk about how the person is getting on your nerves, you focus on identifying the emotion you’re experiencing and why you’re experiencing it. And then, because you have pinpointed the attention towards it, you can shift it because if you don’t recognize what’s going on, you can’t shift.

Dr. Renee Thompson (08:29):

Exactly. And you talk about an interesting point that Carol Dweck wrote about as well. She said it’s a paradigm shift, and it’s the most effective approach. So if you want to continue to be an out-of-control, emotional person who responds specifically in the workplace with emotion, then you’re not going to advance yourself emotionally or career-wise. You want to get a handle on that type of reaction. And you can only do that through introspection. You have to go inside. You mentioned internal dialogue and the decision to have that conversation with yourself. When doing that, ask yourself, why am I so upset? There are times. And I mean very rare times, but I get so upset that I’m in tears and I have to go and ask myself why are you crying? And then I realize it’s not out of fear. It’s out of being upset.

Dr. Renee Thompson (09:24):

Usually, when we cry, it is a result of hurt. So something has been hurt that brings out those tears. And it’s a part of the anger process. And then you have to figure out. Okay, I’ve established what it is, and I understand why I’m upset now. What am I going to do about it? Am I going to react to the person causing this, or do I decide to act differently? One of the things that I’ve learned to do when I can not respond appropriately is silence. Silence is the key. You don’t have to say anything. People can’t read anything from silence and do not change your facial expression. Silence just means, can we address this later? No one has a clue as to what’s going on with you.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (10:20):

I liked that approach because we often think that we have to respond and act on it because the conversation or situation presented itself at that time. When in actuality, you don’t always have to respond. You can put it off until you’re emotionally ready to handle the situation and prepare your response so that you don’t have to apologize for something later on.

Dr. Renee Thompson (10:47):

Exactly. Exactly.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (10:53):

You said that this is something that is trained behavior. Can you speak a little bit more towards what you mean by trained behavior? Is this something that we can implement every day? And if we can, how are we growing and developing in that area? How do we work towards enhancing our EI skills?

Dr. Renee Thompson (11:15):

Well, we mentioned before that one, you have to get in tune with these emotions. If you can’t identify the emotion, you can’t do anything with it. So let’s use anger as an example. If my manager is condescending to me, then that angers me. I first have to recognize I’m angry, and I have to acknowledge why I am angry, what did the person say or do to cause or elicit that type of response from me.

Then I have to decide, do I have any role in this? And that’s where you become accountable for your action. And that’s something Dr. Goldman speaks about as well, hold yourself accountable. Did I do something wrong, or am I blaming others? Because you know, it’s easy to blame, but I always start with myself to determine if I reacted wrong. And then another good point is accountability with others. Get yourself an accountability partner.

Dr. Renee Thompson (12:15):

It’s nothing like being able to pick up the phone and call that person. Who’s going to tell you honestly. Well, I think you played a role in that situation. Don’t be defensive. If the person thinks you played a role and you trust that person’s judgment, take a look at yourself and figure out, Oh, well, what did I do? How can I change that? Trust me when I tell you I’m a very experienced seasoned employee who has been in the workforce for a long time. I know that you’re not going to change anyone else other than yourself. And you’re definitely not going to change your manager. You’re going to change yourself or make the adjustment to get along with the manager. So if your manager is condescendingly talking to you, and that’s upsetting you and eliciting that fearful and angry reaction, you have to figure out what you’re going to do about it.

Dr. Renee Thompson (13:02):

First, you’re going to control your emotions. That’s number one because you’ve already identified the trigger. Whenever this person says X, Y, and Z, that gets me upset, so the next time she says X, Y, and Z to me, I’m not going to get upset. Instead, I will go into my internal dialogue, telling myself she’s not upsetting me. She’s not understanding. And you kind of repeat it over and over again. And eventually, you will believe it, and you’ll start to react. Nope, not upsetting. You make it a challenge. Now it can become fun. Oh, she thinks she’s getting to me, but she’s not getting to me. Okay. That’s one way that you can start internalizing how to make a change. The other way is to address the situation. When that person is talking to you in a condescending manner, you have to take a very positive attitude because you have no idea what life experiences are causing the person to respond in that manner.

Dr. Renee Thompson (13:54):

And what I mean by that is you don’t know that person’s background. You don’t know if this has ever been brought to this person’s attention, et cetera. And if it’s your manager, you know, you have to tread lightly. So the key here is to let the person know. I don’t know if you realize it, but it upsets me when you speak to me in that tone. Now you have to be fully prepared for that conversation with your emotions intact. So if that person goes on the defense, and you have to know that he or she is going to, be defensive because you’ve just called them out on emotion that they may or may not be aware of the behavior. So when the defense comes, you have to keep your calm composure and let them know I did not intend to upset you, but this is an important concern that needs to be addressed.

Dr. Renee Thompson (14:41):

Remember,  you stay calm, let that person react, do not lose your composure. And these are just simple steps I can go on and on. But we started with one, train your brain, repeat the information, repeat how you want to respond. Be in control of the situation, and when you see that you’ve elicited an emotion in a person that is upsetting them, back off immediately. You don’t want to be on the attack because you can’t help people or solve a situation if you are defensive. So I’m going to pause there because I know there was a lot of information.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (15:16):

It was good information. When you mentioned, train your brain, what came to mind was neuro-plasticity and our ability to change how the brain responds. When you’re rewiring your brain, you are teaching it to react differently;  by assessing your reactions and then determining that you’re going to react a different way. And, of course, that happens over time. However, when that person responds in a way that would typically trigger something in you, the response will be different because of what you have put into practice. When this happens, It increases the person’s chance of responding more favorably. Am I correct?

Dr. Renee Thompson (16:09):

You’re spot on point! Nero-plasticity is a way to adapt and change your brain and modify the nature of the brain and nervous system. Now, it sounds a little deeper than it is, but it’s practice. We can get the brain to rewire. We can change how we think. So if your natural reaction is anger, I’m not saying anger is going to dissipate. That’s not what I mean at all. Anger is going to soar and surface, but once you recognize it, you’re going to grab it and be like, I’m angry, and you’re going to hold onto it for a minute and be like, now what? And again, you’re doing all this silently, so no one knows that this is taking place in your brain. And then you’re like, okay, I’m upset. I’m going to calm myself down quickly, and I’m going to respond. And always remember, you’ve got options.

Dr. Renee Thompson (16:56):

You don’t have to respond. Maintaining a neutral expression or a smile on your face means something to someone, but no one knows what’s going on inside of your brain. So yes, I love the idea of neuroplasticity, and it works. Remember, practice makes perfect. When you practice these techniques, you’ll get used to them and see positive results. It becomes fun to me. And I’m a psychologist. So, you know, it’s a bit weird sometimes, but I love the fact that I can calm myself down while someone is going off on me inside of my mind. I’ve got my internal thought process going on, and they’re not hitting any emotional triggers. You know, it’s all surface talk for me. And I’m back in control of the situation.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (17:44):

You hit a crucial point. You’re back in control because that’s ultimately what you want to continuously be able to do when it comes to your emotions, getting your feelings in check, and controlling them. We mentioned Daniel Goleman earlier. Would you be so kind as to recap some of the essential tools for emotionally intelligent leaders?

Dr. Renee Thompson (18:10):

Sure. Self-awareness is self-explanatory. You always have to know how you feel. Self-regulation is staying in control. You have to be in control. The third one is motivation, and I have already talked about intrinsic values. You have to have intrinsic values to succeed and be ready to reach goals. Leaders, look at that as a key leadership factor, motivating your vision and how you use it to drive the company?

Dr. Renee Thompson (18:57):

How do you do this? Drive yourself, motivate yourself. Get in tune with who you are. The fourth one is empathy. You understand the situation of others. I’m going to add a little bit to what Dr. Goleman said. He said, understand the situation, get in touch with others, et cetera. But I don’t want you to confuse empathy with sympathy. Empathy is I know I probably haven’t walked in your shoes, but if I do, this is what the outcome would be. Sympathy is I feel sorry for the shoes you walked in, and in this case, we’re not interested in sympathy, just empathy. And then the last one is social skills. Become a great communicator. If you communicate well, you will reach people on levels you never thought you could reach. People love when you connect with them. People love it when you listen to what they say. So many times, people don’t listen.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (20:45):

We are down to our last couple of minutes. What key takeaways would you like to leave with our audience?

Dr. Renee Thompson (21:02):

Yes, there are ten commandments to emotional intelligence. I’m going to pick out three of them, and I probably added to them as well. Thou shall know thyself. And I say that means get in touch and in tune with your emotions. I recommend that you take the assessment to find out the areas of improvement. So one guy shall know thyself two, thou shall learn to pause. I’ve mentioned it before, while someone is going off on you, you pause and relax. You do not have to respond. Take the pause. It will save you embarrassment. It will allow you to speak logically and not emotionally. And the last one is thou shall control your thoughts you can control your reaction to other people. You can manage your feelings, they will surface, and you will determine what you would like to do with them. So again, by thou shall no thyself. Thou shall learn to pause. Thou shall control thou thoughts.

Podcast Host, DeNeen K. Attard (22:17):

Dr. Thompson, thank you so much for sharing with us today. Listeners, I also want to invite you to connect with Dr. Thompson on LinkedIn, and thanks for joining us today. Have an amazing day!

Dr. Renee Thompson (22:46):

Thank you very much.

About DeNeen K. Attard, MSM

As a leadership consultant, I help women in mid-level leadership positions gain clarity, identify soft-skills strengths, increase confidence and unapologetically lead with distinct strength and grace. As a result, clients learn to communicate better, adapt to change, strengthen interpersonal skills, and effectively problem solve. I invite you to follow me here on LinkedIn as we explore more topics and tips surrounding leading with strength and grace. Click here to learn more about working with DeNeen.

About the Podcast

Leading with Strength and Grace is for ambitious women who are eager to learn how to lead teams, champion change, and gain influence in the workspace they occupy. Each episode gives listeners the inside scope they want and need to level up their leadership skills! This podcast is designed for Fabulous Leaders like you!

About Attard Leadership Academy

Attard Leadership Academy, LLC (ALA) is founded on 15-years of experience successfully helping to develop aspiring leaders in Fortune 500 companies. Growth mindset and positive psychology techniques are incorporated into each client’s customized professional development strategy. ALA uses research-based training methods, including ADDIE, AGILE, and neuro-based mindset coaching.